For Friends and Family

Watching someone you love struggle with an eating disorder, seeing them change physically and emotionally, can be very painful. Feelings of loss, grief, helplessness, fear and anger often accompany the pain. You feel confused, cheated and frustrated asking, “why?” and not getting any answer. You yearn for the person you used to know to come back to you, to reunite with you and the life you used to have together. We want you to know you are not alone, and that others in the same situation have experienced similar feelings. The following is not meant to be a manual in how to “fix things,” but rather a few words of advice and education to help you through this difficult time.

As hard as it is to understand, an eating disorder is a coping skill gone awry.

The most prevalent eating disorders are Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating. For more in-depth information on signs and symptoms please visit “Eating Disorders” on this web site. The disorder may initially have developed to deal with something difficult and/or stressful, to get a sense of control and omnipotence, or to repress emotions.

Some of the issues a person with an eating disorder may be attempting to soothe include, but are not limited to, depression, anxiety, worthlessness, trauma, abuse, financial stress, family problems, peer/school pressure, relationship issues, feeling out of control, poor sense of self and difficulty tolerating complex emotions. The Eating Disorder has become the only way to express these emotions and soon becomes a way of life. 

As you watch your loved one struggling you may ask yourself if you caused this in any way, or blame yourself for not catching it sooner. The truth is you did not cause this, and you cannot make it go away either. What you can do is to take care of yourself so you can be there for the person struggling. Because the nature of an eating disorder include a high prevalence of secrecy, shame and isolation, your goal is to help combat that by creating a safe environment. Listening to them, supporting them, not blaming or judging them and validating their feelings is the best way to create an opening of communication and allow you to connect with your loved one. As an anonymous person in recovery has stated:

Please Listen
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I’ve asked.
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you begin to tell me
Why I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me,
And you feel you have to do
Something to solve my problems,
You have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen: All that I ask is that you listen,
Not talk or do — just hear me.
When you do something for me
That I need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and
Feelings of inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact,
That I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
Then I can quit trying to convince you,
And go on about the business
Of understanding what’s behind my feelings.
So, please listen and just hear me,
And, if you’d like to talk,
Wait a minute for your turn — and I will listen to you.
Thank You.